Earnest New Year’s Resolutions.

Earnest New Year’s Resolutions.calvin-hobbes-new-years-resolutions

1.) Improve Daily Diet & Exercise Regime.  (Will stick with this for the first week.  Will go to free gym attached to office and get into cycling for a few days.  Will tell everyone how are now exercising over salad lunch.  Will feel superior to everyone for those days.  Will wake up one day and feel awful.  Will not work out that day, and will return to binge watching Rockford Files for entire weekends.  Will not exercise again until Summer.)

2.) Loose 10 Pounds.  (Will begin to loose weight, will start to feel good about self, will start making plans about all the things will do when you are finally healthy, then will find the last few pounds to be too difficult to shake without actually working out.  Will dwell on the fact that resolution one failed so spectacularly, and will have gruesome images of impending death flash before eyes until Spring.)

3.) Read More Books.  (Will go to the library.  Will find that there is an overdue charge on your account from that Fantastic Four collection forgot to return last year.  Will pay the fee.  Will pace around the classics until grudgingly pick up Gulliver’s Travels.  Will look longingly at DVDs and Comics as checking out.  Will try to read book seven times.  Will return the book to library to avoid charge.  Will go home and have Max Headroom marathon, then re-read an old Conan comic.)

4.) Limit Alcohol Consumption.  (Will have made this resolution while drunk the night of New Year’s Eve.  Will wake up with incredible hangover and a sense of impending death.  Will have a beer that afternoon to take the edge off.  Will go to another party that weekend and get wasted.  Will have forgotten the resolution by the second week of January.)

5.) Limit Time Spent on MyFacester+ & TwInstablr.  (Will install a time tracking app on your phone.  Will make public posts about how you are limiting your time on Social Media.  Will set a date for your “last day” that is fairly soon, but not tomorrow.  Will spend a lot of time pimping out profiles to tell your friends how little you use these sites anymore.  Will promise yourself to only use e-mail, and to call when missing a friend.)

6.) Spend More Time With Friends.  (Before the end of Social Media hiatus, will reach out to friends requesting to arrange times to actually get together, irl, lol.  Will use Social Media embedded chats for communication to set up these meeting.  Will keep using Social Media to set up in person meetings.  Will not successfully arrange to see anyone new until Summer.)

7.) Pursue More Creative Projects.  (Will go to Target and buy four notebooks, pens, dividers, storage bins, paperclips, printer cartridges, scissors, index cards, colored paper and paint.  Will take these supplies home.  Will realize you don’t actually have that printer anymore.  Will find that you have many of these supplies already, in various states and forms.  Will open up the first notebook.  Will write on the first page: “Project #1:”  Will tap pen on notebook for a few seconds.  Will pull out phone to see if any friends messaged you yet.)

8.) Go On More Dates With Partner.  (Will go online and make lists of places to go in your area.  Will drop hints, asking where partner might like to do x or y.  Measure responses, then will return to interweb to refine results.  Will look at calendar and find day that works best.  Will find self feeling unmotivated the week of the date.  Will find partner having shitty week at work.  Will look at each other that afternoon and agree to put on pajamas early and watch Indiana Jones & The Last Crusade again instead.  Will promise to go on more dates next month.  Will try again in July.)

9.) Get More Organized. (Will make a list.  Will look at the list.  Will wonder what to do first on the list.  Will tap list with pen.  Will make new list in order of priority.  Will congratulate self for clever idea with a beer.  Will look at list again.  Will pick randomly the easiest thing on the list that you added at the last minute anyway.  Will do that thing.  Will cross off the item on the list.  Will look at list.  Will think list looks gross with that scrawl in it.  Repeat several times a day.)

10.) Reduce Stress.  (Will take up yoga.  Will listen to relaxation tapes.  Will make mind placid with serenity.  Will wonder why it isn’t working.  Will start to worry about not being able to reduce stress.  Will start to worry about not being able to keep any resolutions.  Will consider seeing a therapist again.  Will go for a walk to clear head.  Will feel better for some reason but will fail to make any connection to why that may be.  Will try harder to keep resolutions tomorrow.  Will make note on list to try harder.  Will feel anxious about self improvement.  Will wonder if that kind of stress is bad, too.  Will get drunk with friends later to forget stress.  Will eat fried foods & will forget everything for a while.)

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